In August I promised you all I was coming back. Well...I channeled that energy into creating an entirely new journal, and not just revamping this one. The past 5 months have been incredibly challenging for me.
And I am here right now to tell you all a secret.
I left this journal behind because too many people from my personal life offline read it and I could no longer maintain my sanity here. I was tired of lying. I was tired of hiding. So, if you're still interested in reading about me, I will give you the link to my new journal. After telling you about the past few months of my life.
I've known I was gay for quite some time now. I didn't start to admit it to myself until I was 17, when I dated a guy for the first time. When he and I parted ways, I didn't date another guy for a year and a half. This past January, I went to Messiah College. When I got there, I met a guy who I had been talking to for some time online (who knew a friend of mine I knew in person). He and I hit it off and began dating.
Not long after, I got scared. I was at a Christian college. I wasn't out to anyone. I couldn't do it. I broke up with him.
For two months I remained in denial. And in the closet. And then I made some wonderful friends. They made me comfortable with myself. They all knew I was gay. I started dating guys again. Since then, I've had my fair share of boyfriends and heartaches.
This past summer, everything was looking up for me. I knew I wasn't returning to college in the fall, but things were going well. I was a waiter at a restaurant for 5 weeks before my manager promoted me to management. I ran the opening shift. I opened the store. I handled the money, the safe, the staff, the problems that arose, the delivery trucks, etc. I had impressed not only my management, but the district manager as well. I bought a new car.
Then in August, I got a job in the city of Philadelphia, working for a charity. I left the restaurant. I began looking for my own place in Philadelphia. I had it all. A great job. A new car. The prospect of living on my own.
The job with the charity fell apart. Call it a difference of opinion, but I mutually agreed with my boss the best thing for me to do was leave. It was the beginning of the worst week of my life.
Several days later, I went out of town overnight. While I was gone, my mother went snooping through my room. What for, I don't know. She never told me. But she ended up on my computer, which automatically saves my AIM conversations. She began reading through them. Several of them made references to me being gay.
When I returned the next morning, I was confronted with her knowledge of me being gay.
I was thrown out of the closet. And then out of the house.
Looking at it now, I was kicked out by choosing to leave. My mother handed me an ultimatum. I had two weeks to get into Christian Counseling to have "the direction of my life set straight", or to get out. I chose to get out.
On August 18th, 2004, I moved in with my best friend, Jayson. He lived in Philadelphia. I lived in his living room. I got a job at a restaurant downtown. At the end of September, I moved into my own place.
The week before Thanksgiving, I moved to Pittsburgh. I decided the best thing to do was get back into college, which I wouldn't be able to do in Philadelphia. I couldn't swing paying for rent and paying for school. I was in a lot of debt. The combination of leaving the charity and being kicked out of the house with little advanced warning really messed up my finances.
So I moved in with my grandparents several weeks ago. My family in Pittsburgh does not know that I am gay. And after the experience with my mother, I don't want them too.
So here we are now. Tomorrow I hear from the University of Pittsburgh about whether or not I am accepted for the January term. I will be heading back to school, and moving on with my life. I have a job here in Pittsburgh, waiting tables at a local restaurant. I am getting out of debt. I am getting back on track. And I am unashamed of who I am.
So if you are still interested in learning a little bit about me, please feel free to read my new journal:
Hi Everyone. Sorry Its taken me a bit of time to followup on my big "I'm back!" post. There are some exciting, but big changes coming up in my life. I've been kept very busy by the possibility of a new living arrangement and a new job =)
Lets hope this all works out according to my plan. Pretty soon - I'll be taking over the world. Haha.
Is This Thing On? Long time no see-everyone. Does anyone still come around here? Either way, I'm back, and better than ever. I'm looking forward to getting a new layout up here and getting reaqquainted with everyone! If you read this, PLEASE leave a comment so I know you're still around!
If This Is The End The title of this post is borrowed from a great song by Faith Hill.
Well faithful readers, the time has come. As of today I am officially saying goodbye to Tuesday Morning. Its been a long ride, a fun journey. I've met a lot of really wonderful people on here and I would love to keep in touch with as many of you as possible.
At this time in my life, this blog has become very second-thought to me. I haven't been paying attention to it and I honestly possess no desire to do so in the future. I'm moving into a more private form of journaling and sharing my thoughts with others to help heal the parts of my soul I could never show here. I hope you all understand. I'll still be reading your journals. God bless in everything you do.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support and all your encouragement over the past almost two years. It has meant so much to be and it will never be forgotten.
PS: My AIM screenname is krackel429. Don't hesitate to send me a message!
The Saga Continues To those readers who have been with my since the start of my saga with my biological father-the verdict is in. My mother flew down to Atlanta yesterday for her long-awaited day in court to get back child support, current child support, addition money for my sister, and money towards my college education from the man who is supposedly my "father". (I use this term loosely. He has been anything but! Thus, my not speaking to him in over a year.)
The first words out of the judges mouth to him were "You should be ashamed of yourself." The verdict is very good. All back child support will be paid, as well as a bit more per month for my sister, and also my college costs will be split half and half between my mom/me and him. (Excluding room and board. In Georgia, they don't qualify that as a college expense?) So, I am happy with it. And we know we are getting the money this time because his wages are being garnished and it will come straight from Delta Airlines.
In other news, accompanying him to his court appearance was HIS FIANCEE. Yes...some woman was mushroom-brained enough to accept his proposal! He has been a busy guy in the past year. I don't know where he found the time to date her inbetween shrugging off his responsibilities as a "parent", running from law enforcement and detectives, being held in contempt of court, etc etc. God bless the woman. Here comes marriage number 3 for the man. Hopefully he can make it work much better than the relationships with his own children.
Anyway...I am glad this is finally over. And I'm glad things seem to be working out. God is good.